Ivor Bigbum and the Mary Celeste
The Mary Celeste sailed peacefully on the calm ocean waves. Sleeping on the ship was a young lad called Ivor Bigbum. Now Ivor was a scrawny girly looking boy mistreated by his superiors, but one thing Ivor didn’t know was that his life was about to change…forever.
“For God’s sake Ivor Bigbum you mess everything up” said Ivor’s crewmate Dirk, people often called him Dirk the jerk because he was such a jerk. “I’m sorry Dirk I’ll do better next time” whimpered Ivor hiding behind a random barrel that was placed on the ship. “You better” said Dirk bringing up his fist to Ivor’s face. “Or I’m gonna rip your spleen through your throat” and with that Dirk the jerk walk away to be a jerk to someone else. Ivor signed in relief; “HI IVOR!” screeched Pepe a hyper active child that needed to be put on riddling but riddling didn’t exist back then, or if it did Pepe couldn’t afford it. “Hello Pepe” mumbled Ivor like great Aunt Angus when she complains about the price of milk these days; sorry Aunt Angus but there isn’t enough room for a damn cow in our apartment. “I’m great” said Pepe who suddenly sprouted wings and flew away. “Ummmm…” trailed off Ivor looking unsure about his sanity and whether Pepe had ever existed or if he was a figment of his imaginenation and that the author of this story had spelled imagination wrong. Suddenly a fish leaped over the side on the ship and smacked him right in the face knocking him to the floor.
“Ow” said Ivor as he came to. He looked up to see a large shaggy haired man. “You’re a wizard Harry” said the Shaggy man with a large smile on his face. “My name is Ivor…Ivor Bigbum” he touched his face lightly where the fish had hit him, damn that had hurt. “Oh sorry um…” said the Shaggy man digging through his pockets pulled out a piece of paper. “You’re a pirate Ivor” said the Shaggy man walking towards Ivor his steps shaking the ship. “Ummm…pirate?” said Ivor backing away from the man looking for an escape route to get away from this crazy man. “Well that’s nice, I’m going to be leaving now” Ivor said walking away very quickly. He wandered around on the ship not sure what he should do and wondering why all the crew members were gone. Suddenly there was a tinkling noise as an earring with a little charm in the shape of a banana rolled in front of him. “Um…hello? Is anyone there?” asked Ivor expecting an answer as he clutched the earring to his chest. The earring was very beautiful it looked similar to the ones mother’s buy for their daughters before their ears are pierce. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed Ivor like a little girl as he was knocked down by an unseen foe. The said foe was pulling at his hair and yanking his hands. “MINE!” it screeched like a banshee outside your house telling you that someone is about to die. The unseen foe bashed Ivor hard across the face causing the earring to fly out of his hands. “Mine” snarled the foe running after it leaving Ivor knocked out on the floor.
Ivor pulled himself up and stumbled his way around the ship. “Where is everyone?” cried Ivor just noticing that all his crew members were missing. Ivor stumbled around for awhile trying to get his bearings. “Pssssssssssst!” came a loud psssssst sound. Ivor turned around trying to find the noise “Pssssssssssst! Down here”. Ivor ran to the other side of the ship and looked down and…saw nothing, he hurried back to the other side and looked down to see the Captain and the entire crew stuffed into one life boat. Ivor just stared “We’re hiding” said the Captain looking around nervously like someone was going to jump out with a light saber and kill them all. Ivor continued to stare at them like they were complete idiots…which they were. “We’re hiding because…because of the spider” whispered the Captain dramatically causing everyone on the life boat to gasp with fear. “Now…go kill it!” demanded the Captain pointed at the end of the ship. Ivor turned around to walk to the area that the Captain had pointed at hitting the lever that held the life boat up by accident. “You have to be kidding me, its just a spider” said Ivor finding the spider and killing it, ignoring the screams of the crew members. “Oh come on its just a spider” said Ivor not realizing that screams where slowly fading away into the distance. Ivor turned back around “hey guys its gone…guys?” he said looking around confused more then ever, even though Ivor is confused most of time since he has a very confusing life with a bunch of confusing people. He shrugged and walked away to see a real to god…lion. “Hello Ivor, I am the Jesus allegory lion” said the Jesus allegory lion. Ivor stared for a long while then he stared again for an even longer time then he screamed loudly and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction of the Jesus allegory lion. “Oh my God that was a friggin lion” cried Ivor he turned around to see a tiny man with red hair and wearing green clothes. In an Irish accent the tiny man said “Set me free and I’ll give you some of my Irish gold”. Ivor stared for a long time…then picked up the captain’s sword which had mysteriously appeared there and whacked the little man with causing blood to get on the sword and railing. Ivor then picked the little man up and threw him off the ship, the tiny man tried to hold on to the railing but Ivor kicked him off. “Damn that thing left scratches in the railing…I’m so going to get it when the captain comes back” mumbled Ivor who ran to the captain’s bedroom and hid the bloody sword underneath the bed. He walked back up on the deck when a large wave hit the side of the boat and knocked him off it.
No one is quite sure what happened to the crew that day on Mary Celeste or why it had been abandon, but the good news is I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. Oh and Ivor landed on an island filled with Ninja Monkeys and they lived happily ever after and ate a lot of bananas.
The End
